Finding the Right Help
You want to make some changes but haven’t been able to make them on your own. Nothing you’ve tried works long term. You’re stuck or looping.
Congratulations! You recognize that it’s time to ask for help. But what kind of help do you need and where do you find it?
Do you need a mentor?
A mentor has traveled down a path similar to the one you’re on and has had some success. You want the results they’ve already gotten. They are willing to tell you about their experience and the lessons they’ve learned. They may even tell you what to do. But a good mentor empowers you by leaving the decisions up to you.
Do you need a counselor?
A counselor gives counsel - specific advice to address your issues. If you want someone to give you advice, there are specialized counselors for a broad range of problems that need solving.
Do you need a therapist?
Unlike a counselor or mentor, a therapist will help you with mental and emotional challenges that are creating problems in your life. Often, a therapist will ask you to look at the past to heal emotional wounds so you can overcome your challenges.
Do you need a coach?
Many coaches have some of the same skills as a good therapist which include provocative questions that reveal what stops their clients from having what they want in life. A good coach will work with you to establish future focused objectives, design a plan, and support you as you take the actions necessary for success.
Do you need a consultant?
If the problems you need help solving are related to career or business, you may need a consultant. Many consultants draw on their own experience, have been trained, or have developed philosophies that can shed light on the nature of the problem you are trying to solve as well as advise and guide you about how to solve those problems.
Since I am a coach, the rest of this article will help you determine what coach will work best for you.
Do you think you may want a coach?
What are your standards for the ideal coach? Will the ideal coach:
Hold you accountable? How?
Give you homework?
Help you stay focused on an objective?
Have specific credentials such as ICF or IFS certification?
Be specialized in some way such as recovery, financial, relationship, etc?
Coach individually or in groups?
Provide face to face or online coaching?
Charge an affordable fee?
Challenge or confront you?
Have workable session times and days?
Employ a coaching philosophy that makes sense to you?
These are just a few questions to ask when deciding who to work with. I recommend that you add to this list with additional criteria for your ideal coach.
Are you the ideal client for the coach?
The relationship between coach and client needs to click. Sometimes the personality of a coach feels inspiring and empowering to the client. Or the client can feel so challenged by the personality, philosophy, or approach of the coach that they simply survive the relationship. Because of the disconnect, they don’t achieve the results they wanted from coaching.
As a coach, when I am clear about the characteristics of my ideal client, I can easily vet prospective clients and only make offers to those who I want to work with. My ideal clients are excited about coaching. They are optimistic and enthused about the results they come to coaching for, and I am energized by our work together.
It has taken years and countless mistakes and heartaches to develop my list of ideal client characteristics. If you are thinking about hiring me as your coach, review this list first to help determine our fit.
My ideal client is willing and able to:
Identify and stay focused on their coaching objective
Be responsible for their own experience
Be straight about money and time commitments
Trust and partner with me as their coach
Practice presence and self-awareness
Accept my coaching
Be curious
Introspect
Do the work required for progress
Transform
Embrace the IFS model as the primary means for transformation
Work with mental health specialists if their needs are beyond the scope of coaching
Forgive themselves when they fall short of these ideals
The Coaching Objective
Yogi Bera said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll end up someplace else.” Coaching can’t help if you don’t know what you want coaching to help with.The coaching objective informs the coaching plan and determines the destination of coaching.
Be Responsible
It may take some time in coaching to develop enough responsibility to get results. That’s going to be time well spent because until the client takes responsibility for the results they are currently getting, they will try to convince the coach that they are at the mercy of forces outside their power and control. The ability and willingness to be responsible is a super power that produces results.
Be a Straight Shooter
One of the reasons we don’t get what we want in life is that we aren’t being straight with ourselves. We lie to ourselves, set ourselves up for failure, and are usually not even aware that we are doing it. Successful coaching requires client integrity. This isn’t about morality. You’re not bad if you promise to pay on time and don’t. You’re not bad if your session starts at 10 and you arrive at 10:02. But you’ve just made my job harder because now I can’t trust you to keep your word or your commitment. Be straight with yourself and be straight with me. That simply means that you make your word a top value and that you communicate when you have breakdowns.
Trust and Partnership
Don’t hire me unless you trust me to know what I am doing and to hold you in what Cheryl Strayed, author of Tiny, Beautiful Things calls “Unconditional Positive Regard.” When I say or do things that challenge your ability to trust, partner with me for your success by telling me. As soon as you stop trusting me, my effectiveness has been reduced or destroyed. I make mistakes. You can trust that I will make mistakes with you too. Partner with me by honestly reporting when something happens to break trust. I promise to do the same.
Presence and Self-awareness
Be with me during our coaching sessions. Plan and prepare to spend our time together focused on our conversation. Eliminate distractions. Make coaching the only priority. Set a powerful intention to become increasingly aware of yourself and what makes you tick. When you become aware that you are distracted and focused elsewhere, tell me. I will help you come back to our conversation and your coaching objectives.
Accept My Coaching
You will always be “at choice” during our work together. I’m an expert in how to help people get the results they want. During our work together I may make suggestions and observations. I don’t need to be right and you don’t have to accept my suggestions. But if you use our sessions to defend what got you stuck enough to ask for help, we become stuck in our work together. Let me be your coach by considering my suggestions and observations and telling me when something inside gets triggered, feels pushed, is offended, or wants to defend or leave.
Curiosity
Curiosity is the state of being that greases the skids of the psyche and makes it possible to experience something different. Set an intention to be curious as we work together and make a commitment to tell me when you feel like digging your heels in. Let’s get curious about that when it happens.
Introspection
To become self-aware, be willing to develop this skill. It can be tempting to focus on what happened in the outer world rather than being curious about what is happening inside. Practice this skill.
Do the Work
The work can simply be slowing down and looking rather than being hijacked by internal influences. Doing the work means increasing awareness. Awareness is a series of doors you must walk through before transformation and change can occur. Be willing to do the work. Notice and report when you aren’t willing. Let’s get curious when that happens. Getting curious is part of doing the work.
Transform
Are you willing and able to transform? If you’re willing, I believe you are able. Being willing to transform includes doing the work required to let go of the payoffs you get from staying stuck.
Internal Family Systems
If you and I are working together, you’re going to learn all about IFS. Embrace it. You can thank me later.
Your Mental Health
Good coaching can be great for your mental health. It’s invigorating when you start experiencing the sense of power and choice in your life. Confidence has amazing healing qualities! However, if your unhealed past starts getting in the way of our progress, be willing to see a therapist. Since I’m trained in the IFS model, you and I will be doing some of this healing work together. But since I’m not a therapist, my primary focus cannot be on healing or mental health.
You’re Going to Fall Short
These are the ideals I want my ideal clients to embrace. But, if you’re one of my clients, I expect you to fall short from time to time. When that happens, I hope you won’t shame yourself. I will help you get back up so you can keep doing the work necessary to get the results you told me you wanted when you asked for help.
