Understanding Healthy Boundaries
Photo by Jonathan Borba
Do you remember that class in elementary school when you learned about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries? Neither do I.
That class didn’t exist for me or you, and it surely didn’t exist for our parents or their parents. So, when and where were we supposed to learn about healthy boundaries? And why is it important to learn about them?
I believe having healthy boundaries means having enough clarity about who I really am and enough self-respect to know when to say yes and when to say no.
Who are you, really? Philosophers have been asking this question for thousands of years. It’s obviously not an easy question to answer. But let me suggest who you are not. When I meet with my coaching clients, we explore this concept and I often ask two questions.
1. What is it you don’t want people to think about you?
2. What do you do to make sure they don’t think that?
These questions point to parts of us that have gotten stuck in the past. In the Internal Family Systems therapy model (IFS), parts that are concerned about what others think of us are called exiles. We exile these parts because they hold our secret fears and pain. The parts of us that manage and control these exiled parts are called protectors because they protect us from being exposed or hurt again.
But we are not our exiles and we are not our protectors; they are parts of us that get stuck in some unresolved painful, scary, or hurtful past experience. What is so powerful about the IFS model is that it helps resolve the past so our parts can get unstuck and let us be who we are.
These stuck parts are burdened with the emotions, energy, and beliefs associated with the unresolved past. Our stuck parts determine many of our preferences; our inner rules for what is safe and what is needed.
Resolving (or healing) the past can take a while. In the meantime, it’s important to recognize that many of our personal boundaries are determined by the unresolved past. Boundaries that are determined by our burdened parts who operate automatically and without our conscious awareness have very little to do with current circumstances and the people in our lives today.
Who you really are is who you were before your parts got stuck in the past. Fortunately, it’s also who you still are when your parts relax. You don’t have to resolve the past completely for this to experience life as your true Self. Just recognizing that current circumstances can alert, alarm, and activate your stuck parts can help you access your true, authentic Self.
Simply pausing when feeling like a boundary has been crossed and recognizing that some of your stuck parts have become activated may be enough to respond as your true Self rather than as the hurt, scared, or angry parts of you that are still reacting to the past.
Healthy boundaries are not as much about other people as they are about you. A healthy boundary is a recognition of your level of comfort and your capacity to respond in a way that reflects current reality rather than reacting to something that reminds you of the painful or scary past.
Boundaries are also healthy (coming from the whole you rather than the fragmented you) when they reflect the security, safety, and connection needs related to the present moment. In this case, boundaries are both healthy and fluid; they can change according to conditions and your capacity to respond moment to moment.
Your level of comfort and capacity to respond are determined by your internal world. Having healthy boundaries is about the relationship between the authentic you, known as Self in the IFS model, and the parts of you that are still stuck in the past.
To learn more about IFS, go to www.IFS-Institute.com.
