Completion (Part 2)

Completion Part 2

Marty: Welcome to the Leadership Coaching Podcast with Turney, IFS. Practitioner and coach um, me, Martin Kettle Hut and Executive coach in the leadership vein. So, um, and I were noticing, uh, right before the we record here, the. Ongoing need of human beings to get complete. And this is a topic that we've, we've hit on before and we have another earlier episode dedicated to it. But because it is an evergreen topic and a moment to moment need, we thought we'd revisit it today and, and go into it in, in, in more depth.

Bill: Yeah, no doubt. And that as I listened to you introduce the topic, um, I am, I, I put on my listeners, listeners ear and, and, uh, for those that. Aren't, you know, and around coaching a lot or, and or around landmark education or ontological coaching. This word completion is not a word that means much more than I got the job done. So we might need to expand on what are some examples of completion and the need for it.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: And so we, we just finished listing off several different ways to think about it. So completion could mean or involve letting go of something.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: It, it could, it could mean forgiveness, which is a letting go, letting go of a resentment, let's say, or a harboring a, a hurt that, that, uh. And nursing it rather than releasing it, forgiveness, it, it could be that there's been a rupture in, uh, a relationship that has created a breakdown in communication and cooperation and, uh, you know, repairing that rupture, uh, might be part of completion. Uh, so there's a, there's a lot of things that happen in a, in, in a normal life lived that would benefit. If there were conscious, intentional completion happening so that life can continue to flow again.

Marty: Yeah, I mean, I, I was talking to a, a young executive last week, um, uh, about he, he, he was saying like, uh, how when he gets home after work each day, he just needs to scroll, scroll, scroll for a long time to come down from the day. Like it might not be the most effective way, but what he's trying to do there is get complete. Right. um, and so I, you know, I said, well, you know, I drew it out of him. Like, what, what went on in the day that, that you're, that it's, you know, that you're trying to, um, come down from, and, and that we talked about, you know, like, well, the pressure that he's under and the, and the intention he has to do a good job and. Things that people have said about what he needs to get better at and everything. And so by the time we, he'd listed those things and then we talked about how he was doing at them. he, he was, he became complete. He said, wow, there's a, there's a piece that's come over me now that, that I don't get when I just scroll until I can finally relax. And that I said, that's what completion is. That's what it's, you know. So, and it just, it just reminds me that this is, um, this is part, part of why it's such a universal and evergreen topic because as we go through our day, we're collecting things. We're collecting, collecting like, oh, she said that and, and that bothered me, or I didn't say this and I wish I had, and just one thing after another. And that those are all incompletions. And so to, to look at each one of them and say, okay, here's, why this stuck to me and here's what I see I need to do to. To put closure on that or to get that off of me, you know, then you can actually create completion around it. So I, you know, this is, um. why is this important? Is another, I think something to mention. It's because, you know, all of that gets built up and the more we, we've got this stuff that hasn't been completed, the harder life gets. 'cause you are dragging all of that with you and, and it's, and, and all of a sudden, boom, it gets let out in the oddest most, you know, undesirable ways. And so, you know, the, you want to be really. Free to be liberated in the deepest sense is not to have any of that hanging on to be complete. Like really to be totally present and not have IQ cycles going through these things that didn't get complete in the day. That's true liberation and that's why it's important.

Bill: Did you say IQ cycles?

Marty: Yes.

Bill: What? I've never heard that before. What's an IQ cycle?

Marty: Well, you know, a loop that the brain is going through. yeah, I still feel bad about that. Or,

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: still owes me, or, or

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: I felt uneasy about that meaning, and I can't figure out why. Right? All of those things are what I call IQ cycles.

Bill: Yes. This, this may or may not be a good example, but I thought it was, I don't know, half a dozen different examples just from the past week for me of that sense that I've g that I had, that something was incomplete, there was something that I was going to do. For example, did I do it? It does. There's something, there's this gnawing at me at my consciousness that's saying, you forgot. What'd you forget? What'd you forget?

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: And one of the examples is, um. I just took a trip over to the west side of the state and spent some days, as you know, with my son Billy, and, uh, I had taken my laptop with me in a laptop case along with my iPad and some other things. And after I dropped Billy off on Whitby Island, I was driving to the ferry to get onto the mainland and drive back to Spokane, about a five hour drive. Once I got onto the mainland, I. And, uh, we'd already been on the road for two hours from this Airbnb that we stayed at for about four days to work on creative and writing projects. So now I'm on the phone with my wife and in the course of our conversation I said something about taking some notes on my computer, my laptop, and then a thought popped up, where's the laptop? And. It was like a flashing siren alarm in my brain, and, and I couldn't be with what my wife was saying to me. I couldn't listen to anything more that she was saying

Marty: a great example.

Bill: and, and, and engage in the conversation. I had to pull off at the first I had to, I did, I pulled off at the very first chance I got. So that I could safely park, get out of the driver's seat of the truck, look in the back seat, and phew. Felt the relief. There it is. There's my computer. It's in the computer bag. And then I didn't have to hang up with my wife. I just said, hold on. I gotta pull over and make sure I got my computer. And, uh, and then that alarm that it was done, it, it, I was fully back to present with my wife again on the phone as I continued to drive to towards the ferry terminal.

Marty: That's a great example.

Bill: That's, yeah, I think that's a boots on the ground, everyday example of an incompletion. There are certainly other examples that I, that we should take a look at. But let's look at just that one. And I also, while you were thinking, while you were talking about your client who scrolls to complete, I wanna break that down a little bit more too,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: if we could. So maybe we start with my example and then we go back to that. How's that sound?

Marty: sure. Yeah, that's great.

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: So in that case, what. What was incomplete was whether the, the, whether or not you had the, the computer with you. Right? So there, there was a, an, there was a moment in the past where you did put it in the car, but you weren't present to doing so.

Bill: In fact, once the thought popped up, where's my computer?

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Uh, a process engaged in my brain, we could say, a part of me took over trying to remember whether I had the computer or not, and determining whether I did in fact need to pull over and see if it was there. And that part had me rewind three hours to the moment that we left the Airbnb and loaded up the truck. And drove off the Olympic Peninsula onto that ferry,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: and I couldn't remember the moment that I put the bag. I remembered seeing it in the foyer of the house, but I couldn't remember putting it in the hou in the, in the truck. So while that's going on, my wife's still wanting to have a conversation with me and I'm still wanting to, and I have. And so one of the very first things I did was, was declared my incompletion. I didn't say, Hey, wife of mine, I'm declaring an incompletion here, or a breakdown. I, what I said was, Hey, I, I'm distracted right now because I don't know if I, if I grabbed my computer or not, and I just need to check and see if it's here. So you don't need to hang up. I'm just gonna look in the backseat. And then I looked in the backseat and that was done. So

Marty: why? Why? Why was it, see, this is an important question to add. Like why couldn't you let go of that to be with her? I assume it's because you knew you were gonna need the computer.

Bill: definitely the, the computer is valuable because there's. I need it, number one in my work. But number two, uh, there's valuable information on the computer and I didn't want it to get into somebody else's hands. Um, I Part of that cycle. That or cycle, yeah, cycle that was happening. This EQ cycle, is that what you called it? That was happening in my brain. What did you say?

Marty: I.

Bill: Oh, IQ cycle that was going on in my brain was if I left it at the Airbnb. Is it out on the driveway? I. Is it on the porch? Is it in the house? Can I contact the owners? Do I have to drive back and get it? I better turn around right now. What's this gonna do to my next day of travel plans? So it needed to be resolved and, and until I got it resolved, I could, I have let go of it and continued the conversation with, I don't know if I would, would've been able to.

Marty: That otherwise you would have, but you couldn't. And so, but it's the import. I think that's part of what I want to bring out here is that the import is why we get, you know, that's the, when we. When we attend to that importance, now, in this case, it, all it took was looking in the trunk

Bill: Yes.

Marty: see, is it there? Right? But if it hadn't been there, then it would've taken f you know, calling somebody to check the driveway or driving all the way back or something like that.

Bill: Right,

Marty: But, but it's that, it's, it, it, well, that's what we always wanna look at is like, why do, why is this you know, if it's. Well, 'cause I'm gonna need that computer and it's got important information on it, all of that. Right?

Bill: right. Right.

Marty: And, and so, you know, uh, that I think is always one of the key questions you is, and like with my, with my client, if lemme just say, are, in with you, are you complete with, with the discussion of your in completion there?

Bill: Uh, there's one other memory that's popping in that parallels this one. I just, I guess my storytelling part wants to tell about this one too. It's very, very similar. My wife and I, uh, honeymoon in Kawa Kauai in Hawaii, and, uh, we put ourselves on too tight a schedule to return to the airport when we were, when it was time to fly back.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: We had to return a rental car to a location that was further from the airport than we thought. We get there, it's happening, but I've got this very rushed to energy about it. I gotta get this back, we gotta get on the shuttle, we gotta get to the terminal, we gotta get checked in, we gotta get on the plane so we can get back to Spokane when we thought we would. And now we're waiting for the shuttle. And I, and I reached for my phone to look at the, at the schedule. For the airlines and I can't find, it's not in my pocket. It's, I look in all my luggage and then I realize, oh, I wonder if I left it in the car. The car's already been turned in. So I go back into the rental car office that we're standing in front of and say, Hey, I need to go check the car and see if my phone's in there. Can you mind if I go back and look at it? Sorry, sir. The car's no longer yours. You have no longer access to it.

Marty: Oh my,

Bill: Are you kidding me? Um, my phone is in there. Would you have somebody else? No, we don't have any extra help. Okay, so, um. What are you suggesting that I do? And the the guy said, I don't have any suggestions for you whatsoever. This is not my problem. This is yours. And very, very rude. I won't name the rental concrete agency, but this is

Marty: oh.

Bill: so now, not only was I concerned about losing my phone, I'm really upset at what I'm judging is very, very, very bad and rude customer service. So I go back out and I said I start venting to my wife and, and. The shuttle's gonna pull up in any minute. So I said, screw it. So I went out behind the building, found the car, it was still unlocked, looked in, found my phone, and came back out front. And now I was complete with getting my phone back, but I wasn't complete. As you can tell, with the rental car agency in the service that I, that I received.

Marty: With that

Bill: different,

Marty: I mean, the agency might be okay, but that guy was really bad.

Bill: yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, and I haven't, I haven't thought about that again until we had this conversation just now, but that's another example of an incompletion and somewhere probably in my psyche, it, and, and it just leaked out a little bit here, was my, you could hear it in the excitement and my voice as I told that story, that I, I'm very dissatisfied with how I was treated there and, and, um, yeah, there was a lot at stake.

Marty: And so, yeah. What was at stake? That's the question, right? That's the, that's that import, that's that. Why is this stuck to me question.

Bill: Like my computer, I needed the phone. A lot of very valuable information on there would've

Marty: but with the guy, that's, that's a different, that's a different piece. That's the more

Bill: Well there, there I needed attunement.

Marty: you needed.

Bill: I attunement, I needed someone to get me to be interested in my dilemma and to be, uh, to recognize that they were actually in a position to help as ra rather than throwing a very

Marty: a two minute left you feeling

Bill: angry, for sure, um, misunderstood and not valued.

Marty: right. Right. So you weren't valuable to him. he.

Bill: And and scared. I was scared too.

Marty: Right. Um, you were not important to him. You were not valuable to him. You were scared, and, um, and so what got, how were you able to get to a place that, that you could forget about it all these years since then?

Bill: Well, since I had my phone, I could start scrolling. Uh, how was I able to just let it go? And did I let it go? Did I just, or just forget about it. I think it, this is akin to.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: The scrolling with your client that, that I allowed the busyness of life just to, to take center stage on the, on the consciousness of my mind.

Marty: there's an opportunity here today to, to look at what, what you need. Was

Bill: What do I.

Marty: that was scared and, and devalued. What, what does, what does it need to, to really put closure on this, on that event back then? I mean, is it, is it as simple? And it might not be as saying, well, I know that I'm valuable

Bill: It, it may be. It may be just that, um. I'm certainly not feeling anything near what I was feeling that day,

Marty: Right.

Bill: you know, as far as being upset and feeling discounted and all those feelings.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: does does the part of me need anything now? No, I think it wanted to tell the story

Marty: Mm-hmm. Right. Well, I think you probably wanted still to tell this story in part to get it complete right.

Bill: maybe so. Yeah, maybe so, maybe some validation, which I have already gotten from you. And, and as you say, um, it doesn't, it certainly doesn't hurt, especially since I know it's true that I, I do have value just because one individual who, who is I'm, I'm gonna assume was having a bad day or was overwhelmed by the situation, uh, treated me in that particular manner, doesn't reflect reality. It just reflects his mood.

Marty: That's right. Very good. I mean, I think this, this is the sort of thing that it takes, so I'm just gonna like generalize a little bit and say, you know, sometimes when somebody's rude to us, all there is to do is to say, wow, he must be having a bad day because that.

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: It's not about me at all. He's having a bad day. 'cause like, that's just, that's not normal. And you know, maybe, you know, he needs something. Maybe there's something, like in the moment if there would've been something like, wow, how could I comfort this guy? Dude, you are having a really bad day. What, what can I do to ease your load for heaven's sake, right.

Bill: I just, I'm laughing because I imagine myself giving him a hug. You wanna hug man?

Marty: Something like that. Right? I mean, so many times in the, in the course of a normal day, people don't the presence because they've got a bunch of incompletions to be totally with us. And so we have to recognize that sometimes it just takes going wow. Um, I know this wasn't about me. I'm fine. I'm whole, and I'm complete. I'm gonna go back behind the building and get my phone, but geez, poor guy. You know, like

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: that's a gesture of completion right there.

Bill: right. Yeah. And, and it comes from compassion, which, um, which is absolutely required, but it's not something that can be effort. Interestingly. I've noticed, I, I, I recognize that if I can come from compla, come from compassion as you're describing, I might have been able to in that moment. Um, then, you know, everything else that needs to happen will follow

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: compassion comes curiosity and comes clarity and, and maybe courage. Uh, as it was my, the parts of me reacted to that entire thing. My rebellious teenager part is the one that went back and got the phone. I. Screw you. You're not gonna tell me what I can and can't do, and, and, and was very proud. I was very proud of myself under the influence of my rebellious teenage part that I could, that I got my phone, despite being told I couldn't go back there and get it.

Marty: Yeah, I mean the, we don't know these people and they don't know us, and so we, like, I've, I, I don't know why, but in my feed I've gotten a couple of, a, a series of these stories where, you know, um. Uh, somebody. Is mean to a police officer or a, or a judge or something like that in, in the grocery store or in the doctor's office or something. And then, uh, later on they get arrested or, you know, brought before the very person that they had been nasty to, and it's like, wow, I didn't know who I was salty. I, I, you know,

Bill: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Marty: We don't, you know, we don't know the history. We don't know what's going on on with other people, and they don't know what's going on with us. And so, um, and they're, they're carrying as many, as many incompletions as we are. So it, it helps sometimes to just recognize, oh, you know, that that wasn't really. I'm, I'm making it mean that I'm un, that I'm not valuable or, or that, um, yes, I'm scared, but I'm, I'm making it mean all these other things.

Bill: Right.

Marty: and, and it doesn't mean any of that. It doesn't mean any, what it means is that that guy's having a really hard time.

Bill: Well, and even, even more basic than that, it means that that guy said those things to me and that tone of voice and it, it left me to figure it out on my own.

Marty: Right, right. I am to figure that out on my own.

Bill: Everything else is meaning making,

Marty: I

Bill: you know.

Marty: I noticed, um, that, uh, it used to really bother me. There's a certain move that, that people do in traffic. I think it's called cutting somebody off. But you, you know, it happened to me several times and, and I would always be like, whoa, you know, who do you think you are? What's going on with you, And then I was just like passing somebody and moving in front of them and their lane, and they honked at me and I thought, oh. That's what I've been complaining about in other people, and I just did it to somebody else and I didn't recognize this is how traffic works. It didn't mean anything that other people did that to me.

Marty: were like trying to show me that they're better or trying to steal my place in the line or. Insult me or any of those things that I took it to mean. It's just the way it happens. I do it too. Right. And since then I have a lot, you know, I don't, I don't get hooked by that.

Bill: These are these shifts in, in how to, how we're viewing these situations. That we may, may be attached meaning making to in the past, uh, those referred to in the IFS model as updates, the, our parts get an update, um, in, in l uh, in lp. I think it's referred to as reframing. Uh,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: but our parts do whatever they do, they influence us in the way that they influence us because given the information that they have, it's the best they can do. To accomplish what they're trying to accomplish for us and, and what they do and how they influence us makes sense to them.

Marty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Bill: update is when we give them new information that makes even more sense than the information that they already have or updates the information that they have. So that now how the influences changes,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: you know, which, which is a lot different than my approach to trying to change Bill Tierney for the first. How long has it been now for the, let's just say, the first 60 years of my life, much of what I would do would be to recognize, here's this thing about Bill Tierney that I don't like, and so I'm gonna change that. So I would attempt to make myself be different.

Marty: Right. Right.

Bill: I'm not gonna do that thing anymore.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: But now that I understand that I have multiplicity, I have multiple internal sub personalities that are like operating independently.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Uh, what I recognize is that if I wanna make a change, I need to get curious about the part of me that has me doing it the way that I want to change and then negotiate with that part if and when it finally trusts me to negotiate enough to negotiate with me.

Marty: It happened to me at the grocery store, um, uh, a day or two ago. I, you know, I, I was, I was looking for an item, you know, when, like you have to weigh certain items at the, at the automatic teller. And, um, I was having trouble finding the item I was looking for. And though the person, you know, there's always somebody watching to make sure there's flow at these machines.

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: person just came by and touched the button did it. And I, at first I was like, what do you think? I'm stupid? I couldn't figure it out.

Bill: Uh,

Marty: And then I saw her going around and being very helpful to everybody else and I was like, oh, she's just being helpful. She, she took care of it for me, and so instead of being insulted, I was grateful I updated that part.

Bill: yeah, big shift. Interestingly, you didn't notice that she was helping everybody else and, and wonder if maybe she thought everybody was stupid. You went to, she was actually being helpful.

Marty: Right, right,

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: right.

Bill: Great. Now.

Marty: And I could have been incomplete with that. I, you know, I have been in the past. In fact, you

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: the, you know, too anxious trying to, trying to take control of my life, you know, doesn't understand. I'm, do they think I like? I've walked outta stores feeling that way, right?

Bill: Grumbling. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So our listeners.

Marty: I do wanna go back to the, the joke about scrolling, because there's something important to say about why that isn't effective,

Bill: Yeah,

Marty: right?

Bill: yeah,

Marty: it, but we, I think we should clarify. Like,

Bill: yeah. Let's be explicit about it. So.

Marty: one of the TV all evening not get you complete with the day?

Bill: Yeah, it does. What it, what it is, is it's a distraction. It's a way to disconnect and no, not, not have to be present to what the, what the brain's doing. So I'm gonna go back to using parts language again. So when a part of mine is like, obsessing on an idea and, and just gnawing on it like a dog on a bone and just chewing it up over and over and over. And, and the, the result of that is that I'm suffering. I want to use different parts of me to distract myself away from that part. That's creating suffering and scrolling is a great way to do that. Anything that gets my attention off of the thing that I'm suffering over is a great way to do that, but it's it, the thing that I was suffering over still hasn't been completed

Marty: Right, right.

Bill: I.

Marty: Similarly, you might notice that, you know, if you get, if you're incomplete with something. I don't, I'm not saying you, bill, I'm saying we, the humanity, we are nasty to other people and, and it just, that energy of the upset or the incompletion is, is there and it's trying to find a way to get expressed or to get out. And it's not effective. It's still there. Why?

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: just creating more in completions as

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: And so, like you said, what needs to happen is to go back and, and attend to that original what, what, what started this? So it doesn't you, it's not like, oh, because she insulted me, I'm just gonna be mean to somebody else that'll settle it. No, it doesn't. It just creates more in completions for you.

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: you've also been mean to somebody else. So you, the work that needs to be done moment to moment as a human being is to check, check out, why did that help me

Bill: Yeah.

Marty: and what do I need to do to attend to that so that I don't go more in completion.

Bill: Yeah. Yeah. It is, it's reminding me of, uh, the conversation that I had in my women's recovery group. Again, we record this on Wednesday afternoons, and I always have my women's recovery meeting, you know, four hours before you and I get together to record. So often I'm thinking about what happened in that session, and it, it's happening again now. One of the things that happened in the session today was we looked at overwhelm, and I think there's a relationship between overwhelm and in completion.

Marty: exactly.

Bill: Because overwhelm points to that, that I have encountered something in my life that requires more of me than, than I have to respond to.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: And, and so I do the best I can, but often the best I, I can might look a lot like leaving some sort of fight, flight or freeze or fawn. Uh, and, and so we did an exercise today where I just had, I. Each of the women in the group described the last time that they felt overwhelmed. And that didn't mean, especially, it didn't have to be extreme. I I you, you might feel overwhelmed by your demanding three-year-old. You might feel overwhelmed by the long line at Costco. Uh, and, and, and so the question was, first of all, after describing that situation, the next question was, how did you know you were overwhelmed? What did you notice? What. What was going on physically, what was going on with your emotions? What were your impulses? And then what did you actually do to get yourself back within what you could handle? And it was interesting what, what I heard, uh, just a, a, a broad variety of basically survival coping mechanisms that get employed when we get to the point of overwhelm.

Marty: Hmm.

Bill: And those, those coping mechanisms get, help us to get through the moment, but they leave in completions that stay in our psychic state until, until they are complete.

Marty: Right.

Bill: You're making some notes. What are you writing down?

Marty: I'll tell you in a second.

Bill: Okay, I think I'm done. I just wanted to mention that's what's going on in my mind as, as you're

Marty: Yeah,

Bill: making your statement.

Marty: that, that is, that is, I ri this is why completion is important because it, it'll get you into overwhelm otherwise. Um, uh, so. I wrote down three things. Um, one is the, on the topic of overwhelm. I can't tell you how many coaching sessions I've conducted in the last 25 years where a client comes to the call and is overwhelmed and I can feel it. so we spend that time in the coaching call just. Enumerating all of the things that are on that client's mind and, and looking at, okay, what do you need to do to take care of this? And when will you take care of it? And what do you need to do to take care of that? And when will you do that? Just like getting it all, you know, um, mastered in a sense, right? It's not all done yet 'cause we're just talking about it, but there's a plan and, and it, and, and by the end of the call. Nine times out of 10, the client will say, oh wow. I don't know why I feel so much better now. I still have all of this, but I feel so much better. 'cause there's a level of completing the, the overwhelm itself, right? necessarily the jobs.

Bill: Right. Even though the tasks themselves haven't been done, they're not complete, but there's a sense of completion because, uh, those, those different. Those different concerns were all blended together. And by sorting 'em out in that way and coming up with a plan that unblended them, and that unblending lends to a greater sense of capacity, now I, I can do each. It's kinda like the alcoholic who stays sober a day at a time. I can stay sober for the next 24 hours, but I can't stay sober for the next year or the, the rest of my life. That's too much. That's overwhelming.

Marty: Yeah. Yeah. Or like, or like a, you know, a chef preparing this for this person and that for that person, and this for the dessert, and that for the appetizer, like all this is going on. You cannot, if you're doing it all at once, you're not doing it a good, really. Um, and so you, you have to look at each thing. Like, okay, here's, I can get this to the state. I need to bid it in, where it can take over itself, put a lid on it, put it on the, on the back burner, on simmer, and then I can pay attention to this dish and, and work on it. Really, we can only really have our attention on one thing at a time.

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: And,

Bill: Mm-hmm. Yes.

Marty: you know, multitasking is really, uh, it's a delusion. You, you're actually roaming and at any given point, there's something you're not paying attention to. mean, even when people juggle literally, I. Not just juggling all the things that you're overwhelmed by, but literally juggling you. You're not watch, you're not actually paying attention to all the objects that you're juggling at once. You've got them in motion where you can let go of this one while you catch this one and let go of this one, like that's you. You're not really paying attention to all those balls at once.

Bill: Very good point, and attempting to pay attention to all those balls at once is what has you overwhelmed. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Marty: You'll feel overwhelmed and you will drop them. Yeah. The second thing that I wrote down was um, uh, this reminds me of our last mastermind call. And, how made a new commitment in our group. This is a group of coaches that coach each other and we've raised the bar on ourselves to say, okay, well let's coach each other on our coaching as

Bill: Yes, yes.

Marty: So there's other layer now. And so I was asked after being coached. What could have been better about the coaching? And I was still in the midst of receiving and being kind of overwhelmed by that, and I could, I, I just wasn't ready to like, reflect on how the coaching that I received could have been better. And so then over the weekend, you all heard from me in emails. I was trying to get complete with that question, I, I hadn't really answered it to my own satisfaction. It was incomplete for me. And so that got complete through emails with you all over the weekend. So that's just another example.

Bill: Great example.

Marty: Um.

Bill: you move on to number three, I just wanna comment that in a corporation, a business, a company, any kind of an organization where they're. In order for things to work well, there needs to be cooperation between staff members, team. Um, if there's not a culture that invites completion, then the, the capacity of the organization itself is gonna be soon compromised so that even when maybe at the beginning, uh, of, uh, of a business organ organization or an endeavor or a project, things might. Be going well because you've got a good plan. Everybody's clear and everybody's on the same page. It doesn't take long at all before incompletions be begin to stack up. And the, uh, negative unintended consequences of those incompletions begin to show up, such as resentments, infighting, triangulation, um, uh, poor, poor attitudes, lack of motivation. Uh. Those, those sorts of things. And, and like I said, if there's not a a, a process and culture in place for how to complete what's been incomplete by recognizing, Hey, there's something going on here, let's bring it to a safe place

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: and discuss it and get it resolved before, before we move on so we can in. Restore our capacity and get back to focus again, then it's gonna be very problematic.

Marty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I mean the, one of the, the sort, of positive notes to all of this I wanna throw in is that once you get, and I just check this out, bill, if you don't agree with me, like once you get how good it feels to be complete. It's, it's, you just, you don't like getting stuck. You don't like collecting. It just gets, it becomes intolerable. Like, I, I just, I, I wanna be free. I don't want to be burdened by all these. I, you know, as soon as stuff comes up, I want to get it complete.

Bill: Yes, my, my story about getting my phone back, my story about finding that my computer was right behind me in the backseat, that relief that I felt there felt so good. I. And the not knowing felt so bad.

Marty: Right. Well, think, think also about like in your family relations. Um, you know, like I, I used to be so, um, uptight around my family, right? Until I got the technology completion and started getting, you know, like then I, I had important conversations with my parents and with my brothers, and then from that point on I was like, not willing to tolerate. sitting in the same room, sitting on this stuff and it just, it became much more pleasant, know, peaceful to be around each other.

Bill: And I'm sure that you could probably tell us a story or two, uh, about whether it's was in your family or in other circumstances in your life when you recognize that even though the other person maybe wasn't as keen on completion or skilled at it, it doesn't require more than one person to become complete.

Marty: That's right. That's right.

Bill: And for me, it's as simple as, um, owning. My own experience and taking the focus off the other and what might be required of them before I can feel complete.

Marty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That, that's the key right there. Exactly, a lot of times, you know, don't have the opportunity to have the other person, you know, for either they're not as skilled or they're not up for it, maybe they've passed on, or maybe it's a stranger that you'll never see again. So we often do need to find that peace ourselves.

Bill: It could be and and finding that might be as simple as recognizing and acknowledging that hanging onto the hurt or the resentment or the meaning making is actually holding us back. And, and we're, and we're now hurting ourselves. Byron Katie used to say it all the time when she'd be working with people. I, I'm sure she still does. I just, I'm talking about her in past incident simply because I don't engage in the Byron Katie method anymore. And I'm not listening to her working with other people on a daily basis like I used to. But when I was, I would hear her say all the time. Uh, how many times did he hit you, for example? Uh, the, the thought that was being, that was being explored was. He shouldn't have hit me,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: for example, is it true? Yeah, it's true. He shouldn't have hit me. Can you absolutely know it's true that he shouldn't have hit you?

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: And then Byron Katie's gonna introduce the idea that he hit you. That's reality. So how do you know he should have hit you? He did. And of course, that would get people very upset. What are you, you're saying that a man should hit a woman or people should hit each other? No, no, no. I'm just saying that when it happens, it should have happened. Not because it's justified, but just because it, it did it's reality. So once we can align with reality, so then at some point she would say to the, to the person that was doing the work, how many times did he hit you once? And how many times have you hit you? How many times have you replayed this in your mind? Over. And how many times a day do you replay it in your mind over and over and over again. And for some people that really, really got their attention, like different, I'm the one doing it to myself now. It only happened one time and I keep running it through my mind over and over and over and over again. And when we really get that we are the ones now that are hurting themselves, and that then

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: we can let it go and release it.

Marty: Darrell Davis calls that. A grievance. We create a grievance and, and the grievance is only working against you.

Bill: yes. Yes.

Marty: book, by the way, is called Forgive for Good.

Bill: Sounds good.

Marty: Yeah. Um, well, you've hinted at, and so I wanna ask you, I, I have a very good worksheet that, um. For completing on your own right. You can use it to complete with somebody else, but it's for these times when, uh, is, you know, you, you realize, oh, I have a grievance and it's only working against me. I, I gotta get out of this loop. um, is there a way that we can pass that on to listeners in the show notes or

Bill: Absolutely. We, I think maybe the best way to do that, you and I both probably have a, a toolbox full

Marty: Right.

Bill: tools that would serve in this direction. Um, we'll just have, re put, uh, as she always does our, our contact information in show notes and people can just contact us and, and request that directly. Um, and I'm, I'm, I hear from you and, and I'll say it too, that I'm more than happy to provide whatever tools that I have, and then of course, if people need additional help, that's what we're in the business of doing. I.

Marty: It is also in both my books, this ex, this exercise, this worksheet. Um, it's in both Listen to You Disappear and in Leadership as relation and under completion exercise. So it's easy

Bill: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I need to begin to wrap up here, Marty. I've got a session with my men's recovery group here shortly. So, um, in what way would we like to complete this part two of completion?

Marty: Uh, one good way to is to acknowledge, acknowledge. So I wanna acknowledge you for the presence of mind you had Take care of because you weren't getting help take care of getting your phone yourself and let that guy go,

Bill: Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, and I'm gonna, I wanna thank, thank my rebellious teenager part for doing that for me.

Marty: mm-hmm. Yes.

Bill: I also wanna acknowledge you, Marty, in the example that you gave of, uh, recognizing by Saturday that you weren't complete with the kind of feedback that you wanted to give and, uh, exchange with the, our coaching group from Friday morning. And, uh, along those lines, I, I, I think I may have said this in the email to you, but I read your email and was activated actually by it. There were several of my parts that were activated just reading your email because they were, they were making things mean things. And this, this is interesting. I actually put AI to work and I took, I took your email and I dropped it into AI and, and I said, tell me what this means. What is he saying here? Seriously. And, uh, EAI just sorted it all out for me. Well, he is saying this, this, he's, he's, he's not quite resolved here and he wants this and he is making this request and. Oh, oh, thank, thank you. Great. Awesome. And, and from that I was able then to respond to you in the way that I did in that, in that email.

Marty: see.

Bill: So thanks for bringing it and thanks AI for helping me sort it out. Lemme ask you now, do you feel complete about, about that from Friday, or, or is anything by the way that I just now said that creates a new incompletion?

Marty: no, I'm, I am complete.

Bill: Alright, very good. Yeah. Yeah. Another great conversation. I'm sure that we probably will talk about completion again at some point in the future, even if we don't directly acknowledge that, that that's what we're talking about. Because I really think that most of the coaching that you and I do involves this conversation, this topic, I. Practically every single session. What's getting in your way? Something that's incomplete. Once it's complete, I'm open now to, to whatever might next come.

Marty: Exactly.

Bill: my favorite telemarketer is calling, so I'm gonna hang up on the end session Until next week,

Marty: Take care.

Bill: take care. Bye.