Codependency, Addiction, and IFS

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For many of my clients, solving relationship challenges is often the coaching objective. When we explore the problem, we usually find that the cause of these challenges are maladaptive strategies. One partner, in an attempt to fulfill an unmet childhood need through the relationship, creates friction in the relationship. In 1986, Melody Beattie referred to this phenomenon as ‘codependency.’

What is Codependency?

In 1986, Melody Beattie referred to this phenomenon as ‘codependency.’ She wrote,  "The obvious definition [of codependency] would be: being a partner in dependency.” In other words, I am codependent if I depend on you and you depend on me.

A more modern term for codependency is ‘relationship addiction,’ which points to the addictive nature of codependency. A widely accepted definition of the word ‘addiction’ is “the compulsive use of a substance or activity despite negative consequences.”

Does codependency qualify as an addiction under this definition? To answer that question, let’s look at the negative consequences of codependency.  

Photo by Alena Darmel

Is Codependency an Addiction?

Imagine feeling so insecure in your relationship that you live with a chronic fear of being betrayed or abandoned. With such a persistent fear, you couldn’t trust your partner. You would be looking for evidence to validate your fear. 

“Why do I feel so insecure,?” you might wonder.  “If my partner offered enough reassurance, I would feel loved. My insecurity proves that I’m not important to them,” you would reason.

Without knowing that your fear was something you brought into the relationship, you would try to get your partner to prove they loved you. You would expect them to be sensitive to your insecurity and protect you from your own fear by being careful about what they say or how they say it, how they dress, and who they hang out with. And you might do everything you could to please your partner and take care of them so they would never consider leaving you.

The above describes me in my first marriage. Lori and I met when I was 19 years old. From our very first date, I tried to possess her and constantly feared losing her.

Two years after Lori passed away from cancer, I married someone who was jealous of my kids and competed with them for my love and attention. She was content only when she perceived that she had my approval and appreciation and became upset when it appeared that anything else in my life was a priority. Convinced that I didn’t love her, she criticized me as cold and distant and punished me with hurtful remarks and sarcasm. 

In both marriages, I was codependent. My codependency showed up as insecurity in my first marriage. In the second marriage, I played the nice guy and did all I could to avoid conflict. Neither set of strategies worked for me or for either of my wives. Lori was exhausted by the burden of trying to make me feel loved. Had she not passed away, she very likely would have left the marriage. Eleven years after she died, I divorced my second wife.

Addicted to Love, Acceptance, and Approval

In both marriages I was addicted to love, acceptance and approval, an unbalanced need that neither of my wives could possibly meet - simply because the need had gone unmet in my abusive childhood home. The maladaptive strategies I developed growing up with violent and alcoholic parents failed to translate into a healthy marriage. The fact was that I knew nothing about how to have a healthy relationship with a partner.

Exiting marriage number two, I knew I had my work cut out for me if I were to ever have a healthy relationship. That meant I needed to recover from my addiction to love, acceptance, and approval. Like the alcoholic that tries to stay out of liquor stores and bars so he can stay sober, my strategy at first was to stay out of relationships. But, also akin to the recovering alcoholic, I recognized I needed to use my time alone to do my deep inner work.

Recovering from Codependency

So I dug in. I put ME under the microscope in therapy and used The Work of Byron Katie to explore and undo what I believed about myself and the world. Twelve years later, I met my wife Kathy and told her all about my journey. I hoped that by revealing my dysfunctional history in relationships, we could both be watchful for any of my maladaptive addictive relationship tendencies.

Kathy and I took it slow and got to know each other very well before getting married, a steep departure from my previous relationship patterns. Three years after we were married, I was introduced to the Internal Family Systems in a therapy session. I have been using IFS ever since to continue to heal my childhood wounds. The benefits are evident in our addiction-free relationship.

My conclusion to the question, “Does codependency qualify as an addiction?” is, in my case, yes. I compulsively engaged in codependent activities despite all the negative consequences.

Thanks to the work I have done and continue to do, I have recovered from codependency. I am no longer addicted to love, acceptance, and approval. I am free to be myself.  Kathy has fallen in love with the guy who has stopped trying to be loved.