A common and destructive core belief is that circumstances and other people are responsible for how we feel. This same belief when applied in reverse makes us responsible for how others feel. We know a belief isn’t true when it causes us to suffer. In this short video, I talk about how this belief is at the core of codependent relationships and what to do to change the belief.

As a student, teacher, and coach, I study the influence of the unconscious. Using various models and methods including the Internal Family Systems model, I have learned how to use my conscious brain to explore the influence of parts of myself that usually operate undetected in my unconscious.

Where are you on the personal development continuum? Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? What will support you best? Therapy or Coaching?

Coaching is more than just problem solving. By looking a little deeper than the presenting problem, deeper problems can be illumnated and resolved. Often boundaries are used to manage a challenge. But what if you could just resolve it once and for all?

Byron Katie helped me wake up. IFS helped me heal, grow, and expand.

What stands in the way of finding your true self, your true purpose, and your true path?

I was first introduced to Internal Family Systems (IFS) by my therapist in 2016. I was having a crisis of confidence after completing a one-year coach training program and thought a few therapy sessions might help.

This meditation guides you through an unblending process, helping you notice and observe the influences of different parts within you, such as your breath, energy, thoughts, emotions, impulses, and actions. By doing so, you can build trust between your authentic Self and your parts, allowing for a more balanced response to challenging situations.

When I am getting to know a part or working with a client who is getting to know a part of themselves, I usually start with what is already known about the part. What happens when under the influence of (blended with) this part? In this video I talk about how helpful this is, especially when asking about the impact of the blending.

It’s not just childhood abue and trauma that causes life-long wounds and survival strategies. The IFS model helps heal and update the wounds so we an show up as confident and content adults.

There is a belief that is at the core of many failing relationships. If this belief can be changed, the relationship could be transformed.

Nice Guys give to get, a codependent strategey for getting needs met. Nice Girls do it too but in their own ways. Gosha Jacewicz wrote this article of her version of the Nice Girl problem.

Michael Singer surrenders by relaxing and releasing. This article describes how to use the IFS model to surrender.

How is confidence derived? What does it take to have it when you need it? Once you have it, how do you keep it? As a younger man, I often noticed others who exuded confidence. I wanted what they had but had no idea how to get it. They seemed to be sure of themselves and expressed their confidence in the way they dressed, the tone and tempo of their voices, the language they used and their mastery of the storytelling.

Recognizing and acknowledging codependent tendencies is the first step in finding our way back to authentic connection and healthy interdependence.

With change comes upheaval and disruption which makes the solution feel more painful than the problems sometimes. So why bother? But if we keep searching, we can often find something more on the other side of the discomfort of change.

If you have a growth mindset, challenges provide new opportunities to change and grow. Challenges can inspire innovation and courageous risk-taking.  Challenging circumstances can even force us out of our comfort zones into new and invigorating environments that help us to learn and grow.  For some who live with a growth mindset, life without challenges is boring, predictable, and mundane.

The nice guy problem can’t be solved until the secret is told. When being nice is real, the problem is solved.

I didn’t know that acting nice and actually being nice were two different states of being. I hated to admit it but when I was acting nice, I was ACTING. What my wife wanted was the real me. But deep down inside I was convinced that the real me wasn’t enough. How could she love someone like me? I didn’t even like me.

The Nice Guy Syndrome starts in childhood as we observe the relationships of adults around us. It’s a maladaptive set of charactaristics and traits employed often by men who are trying not to be like their abusive fathers.